stupid drama

i've been watching this drama.
there's something about this drama that keeps attracting me to watch.
even though everyone finds in uninteresting.
i guess now i understood why.
it reflects the reality.
so much that people prefer to watch something more ideal.

and i cried so much because it was talking about this boy who had this rare heart disease since young.
and this guy because of the boy, aspires to become a doctor.
he wants to cure the boy. and of course he's clever like crazy. IQ200 (okay, maybe some part of the drama is a little unbelievable)
and seven years later, then the guy really becomes a doctor, the boy grows up and his character changed.
he started to give up on his life.
because he have been entering and leaving the hospital so many times until he lose all the friendships around him.
he can't live a normal life because he spends most of his time in hospital.
no friends, no life, no hobbies.
when that guy, who became a doctor found a way to cure him, that grown-up boy refuses to go for operation. he's afraid he'll lose the only thing he has, which is his life.
in the end, that doctor's wife, who is a very special character in the drama managed to convince him to the operating room.
it pains me to see people giving up for things which is so much significant.
and it always pains me to face life and death matters.
i hate people who says they want to commit suicide so easily when they never even try to make things better.
i hate to say 'i give up', 'i can't' when i haven't tried to trust God and believe that He'll make things better.
i even hate it when people say 'im worthless' because i feel it's not glorifying God in anyway. how can they say God's creation have no worth at all?!
at times i feel angry, but at the same time i feel helpless.
why people are not cherishing things enough. why people just give up. why people just let go of things easily.
why people only think for themselves when they know they are selfish enough.
i'm sorry to say this (because i think im like that and humans tend to be like that). but i hate people who are seriously selfish.
they think they themselves are so impt that they think they are worthless.
what crap.
anyway, back to the drama.

i hope just that i will have someone old beside me, telling me all the life experiences.
someone old beside me to listen to all my complainings patiently.
then speak hokkien to me.
those old brown shoes that always make me feel comfortable.
those clothes which i always feel they are ugly.
curly grey hairs that never fail to make me laugh at them at times.
the gold ring that was never taken out of the fourth finger.

how much did we not cherish people around.
and people who didn't allow you to cherish them.
im sorry im feeeling lots of emotions.
anger, pain, nostalgia and regrets.
i miss my grandma.
the number one person who showed me what's love.

what made it worse was my mum, she came in and tell me she wants to sign for something, that says if she's suffering for some illness that can't be cured, she wants to die sooner.
what's that word... euthanasia i think.
then donate her organs and whatever she's left with.
my brothers were saying it's too early to talk about this.
i just kept quiet.
what to say.
i can't imagine if my mum leaves me tmr. i'll faint and go crazy.
i don't know why i keep thinking of all those scenarios. like what if who dies. then how.
what if i die?
then i won't know anything. haha
anyway it's just moment of anger and emoness. tmr i'll be fine!