god and me

perhaps, because of all the immediate emotions, i've failed to remind myself of God's love.
i felt so reluctant to pray because i just thought He'll ask me to do things which i'm not ready to do at this time at all.
I finally let out what i have been thinking and told God.
Of course, it was questions and complains of how things will turn out this way.
and i can't help but blame myself for it.
even though i knew it was not my fault at all.
but how? i dont know what's right anymore. to love, to forgive or to tolerate.
and when i said grace today, it felt empty.
somehow i felt my prayer is not based on faith. (for today la.)
if i trust that what happened is all in God's plan, and it's the best for me, i shouldn't have such reponse isn't it?
i shouldn't have complained.
i should have prayed and depended on Him.
but some part of me just can't accept it.
why He has to take away, why i have to do it, why i can't just keep escaping.
then sleeping becomes the best tool for escaping.
all thoughts and feelings are put aside.
my com has problems with its connection and i cant come online.
but i knew i was waiting for an email reply. and i have to read it.
i came to waiyee's house to use her com.
that email reminded me of God's love.
reading people's posts reminded me of how God impacted their lives.
when my life is calm and everything seem to fall in usual places, i could say loudly that Oh, God loves me.
but when things happened, i complained. i put His love for me aside and focused on myself.
maybe i'm so used to keeping things to myself and it makes people to have lesser chances to pray or even remind me about things.
i guess i still need sometime time to sort out my thoughts and to find God back in my life.
i know He has become the biggest support of my life, and i know my life will be of no purpose if i were to decide to let Him go.
i was reading ziling's a walk to remember.
i used to ask myself like what does purpose of life means?
but i dont know why i didnt ask people or to try hard enough to get an answer.
however, that book seems to answer it for me.
it's like the reason of doing things in your life.
can't remember exactly la. something like that.
anyway, feeling tired again, want to go and rest and sleep.