what a difficult week.

last week, full of ups and downs.
it's so difficult being someone who's emotional. (yes, and i've repeated the Nth times already)
but it's really difficult.
however, it's worse when you're an emotional person but you can't feel your emotions.
i spent my last week in this state.
I could feel many strong emotions. but can't identify any.
results came out.
and ms liu just showed my my results, without even letting me to prepare myself first!!
the first reaction is WAH! and my mind was in a blank.
and i saw adora came. she hugged ms suk and cried.
Gosh, her results is not that bad mah. perhaps she was expecting something better.
but i cried with her.
perhaps it's something really influential.
it's embarrassing. yes.
and i kept searching for words to express myself. words to describe how i am feeling. and i can't find any.
perhaps the only word is sian.
we all sat outside the hall, joking about our results.
fenglin said she's going to run away from home. paying $2.40 to take train to JB. and when i asked if she's going now, she say, need to go home and pack bag first. and we all just laughed it off.
that's a joke of course.
we're all so uncertain of our future.
i felt insecure. because i don't know what i'm feeling.
somehow i don't think it's the results, because i have optimistic thoughts.
i told myself, i didn't do that badly, there're people who are worse off.
yet, i can't find any reason for me to smile naturally and happily.
i just felt like staying in my own world, thinking of the past, of all the things people said.
i missed the past. i missed those people who once impacted my life. i missed the people who could make me smile like a child.
after buying myself ice cream from esso, i told myself, after eating this, thank God, accept your results and MOVE ON.
but it was tiring. it felt empty. perhaps because i wasn't being truthful to myself or the people around me.
i'm lost. i don't know what to think, what i'm feeling, what's next.
and i'm so glad i joined wei en they all to have supper. it was really relaxing.
i was really happy laughing with them.
talking of the old movies, songs and all the random things under the moon.
nothing seems to bother me anymore.
but when i went home, reality hit me again. when my dad came in and asked about my results.
he just wanted me to confirm if i really wanted to take chinese.
i am determined to do so.
he was suggesting many other things and i wasn't even listening to him. i just wanted to have some time alone. and he just got a little annoyed when i didn't call home to tell him my results straight away. hoi, when he met accident he also never call..
sometimes i just felt a little tired going home.
there're like lots of responsibilities.
being a daughter, being a sister, being the highest educated, being the only christian at home.
sometimes i just want to whine a little and push away some responsilities.
but there're things which i just can't do that.
though homecooked food is always the nicest, it doesn't taste as nice anymore.
i still remember last time, i'll proudly announce: MY MUM COOKED! oh im so sorry that i can't join you all for dinner.
now, i'll rather join cyyam for dinner. somehow it gave me strength to face every mondays. (esp when kai en and wei en kept tempting me to eat steamboat!!)
now, going home to eat seems like a chore. my mum seems disappointed when i say: i wanna eat outside!
but she can't do anything. because she knows i won't obey. haha.
i'll try to eat at home as much as i can during weekdays to exchange for more dinner sessions with cyyam! haha.

and saturday was fun. one of the best k session i've ever had.
i was really happy, forgetting everything for a moment and really relax myself, sweating in the air con, laughing loudly, shouting in the mic.
of course we took videos. ask junjie for it if you want to watch. all the crazy things we did.
but when they were singing some sad songs, wahh.. it's like i felt this emptiness again.
i sat there, thinking of the past again.
and sang my favourite song.
oh, and when jj and i were singing the carpenter's songs, the music is so soothing and nice and beautiful.
songs like superstar, long ago and oh so far away.....
we've only just begun.... to live...
wah really super got feel. it strummed every strings in your heart.
and then had my favourite food, AJISEN!
was laughing really happily, talking about korean and japanese language and other country's people.
and walked around in parkway, was really fascinated by the new things there.
oh we saw xiuying! she was blushing and acting funny! i really like her. she's a very real and pure girl.
really can't find someone else like her.

i was happy also to finally get to visit uncle jinhao.
he remembered my name! i was really delighted. and said he tried my mum's porridge.
his sharings are encouraging too. made me like him more! haha.
and the dinner! was as good. listening to people like ailing and gloria sharing about interesting things.
it's really fruitful.
and monday. work. sian. haiyah.
someone is going to leave AGAIN.
i just hope i can enjoy my work more. although i like it when i talk to the people there.
other than the people there are really nice, there's nothing else that's enjoyable.
but thank God, today's QT was a fruitful one. and reading christian books really strengthen me a lot a lot.
oh, have to thank jiahui, for all her verses, her care and concern and her chocolate biscuits!
and olivia, for her verses too, her prayers and i know she's worried for me!
yah i'm really touched. next time, it's my turn to do the same thing to them! :)