凡走过并不一定会留下痕迹.

i was shocked to see that 2 cards that i've protected, kept carefully appeared in front of me.
the cards that was given my truest and bestest friend.
almost thrown away by my mother.
but it's weird. i didn't have much strong feelings about it.
usually i'll make a big fuss and warn everyone in the house not to touch any of my things.

and so i opened the card and read it.
woo and the special things what was tied along with it.
ah i always like the chinese words: 'friendship' on the card. very feelful.
though that card was given like a few months ago, it felt like im reading some cards given by my primary school friends.
everything seemed so ideal and happy and perfect.
okay i share a little to you all. haha
"hello xiaoling! the year is coming to a close. What have you learnt? What have you given? What have you received?"
haha okay that's all i will share..
cannot share too much la. i want to keep them for myself. haha
but my friend died. perhaps not physically but all other aspects.
still say what i must grab you tightly and never let go.
haha in the end i was the one who is still not letting go.
like a cockroach.
haha it all happened in j2 and it felt like we were so mature, solving so many misunderstandings, crying on the phone, saying hurtful words, apologising, promising.
in fact, we were childish.
my friend said it's so impossible to forget and let go.
and yet it's actually so easy for my friend to do it when environment changes, when new people comes in between.
so easy until i really want to scold and beat and chop.
yeee.
that feeling is so disgusting.
like kena cheated.
haiyah yah la, i everytime kena cheated la.
everyone say what i nod, believe.
in the end what happened? im the only one who's sad and disappointed.
im not sure about my that friend but it seems like it's so easy. to forget and let go and move on.
of course la. i wasn't the one that initiated to go away or what.

and i continued reading the card. though i didn't finish, i remember my friend sternly said: eh, you must finish reading okay, don't scan through, read word by word!!
(although last time i was tempted to scan through the card..)
haha the things that were said inside, all so nice...
feels like reading someone's story and envying that person for having such a friend.
oh memories flooded in but this time i didn't drop a tear.
haha i actually had a very good friend before. i regretted for not cherishing the time spent together last time.
like all the misunderstandings and quarrels.
so stupid.
those places that were mentioned in the cards, that we used to go, wah i super feel like going those places again.
but it sure feels different la.
we used to have lots of fun and laughter.
okay la, if i continue saying will become boring because like i keep talking about a friend then whatwhat.
though no one will be able to meet that person again.
but that friend matters to me a lot a lot a lot. still a lot but then it's pointless i realised.
ultimately, we have to move on and focus on God!

i've been thinking a lot about relationships again. whether it's friendship, family or bgr.
and there were so many things i'm so afraid to step out.
and whenever i want to escape, the place which i used to be really comfortable and safe, actually rejected me. so sad right.
that place has no other things but a white sofa.
you can nap on it and jump on it.
haha okay im talking nonsense.
anyway! thank you, ziling. for listening and encouraging throughout my journey of don't-know where-to-go, when i'm tired and want to give up.
ahaha and she say im a brave girl! HEEHEEEE
of course and some other people that listened and prayed for me.
i really appreciate them. really really appreciate their efforts.

actually im not sure what am i talking about in this post. im extremely tired.
and i was hestitating whether i should post it.
but nevermind, don't ask who's that friend, because you all will never get to see that person anyway. and even if you see, you won't believe it.
and i won't know how to answer if you ask anyway.
ask what ziling praised me la! i can tell you. ahahah. she say im brave!
okay today's fellowship was nice. really love talking to olivia.
and what UJ said once again encouraged me.
give thanks, in ALL circumstances. because we shouldn't take things for granted.