results.

went to collect results with grace.
was sitting like a parent behind listening to tkgs principal speech.
their school did well. very well.
i got bored and started to imagine how will my results be.
i recalled what i screwed up and what i didn't studied.
really stress me out a lot. it's so scary.
o levels and a levels feels so so different.
i had many people around me when i took o levels.
with meifong, waiyee and shumei accompanying me to walk through the whole journey.
taking exams together, taking results together, happy and sad together.
though our ways parted, it was really a good experience, doing the same thing together with them.
but a levels.
i felt so so alone.
so many people around me are taking o levels.
they started earlier than me, they were stress out earlier than me.
they celebrated earlier, seeing their relieved and happy faces in church, while i'm still stress out in exams.
i ended like almost 3 weeks later than them.
it's like torture when you can't do the things you wanted.
people tried not to involve you in activities that can make you more relaxed.
they think i may lose my discipline studying or what la.
but i just want rest and more time with people.
then it finally ended.
now o levels is out. and a levels results are coming.
it feels the same, taking alone.
though there are with who will be with me, it's either they've been through this whole process or have not been through it.
there's no one that can fully understand my happiness/sadness.
of course, the model answer is to rely on God and keep praying.
but still, it feels lonely.
no one else around me except my jc friends are taking a levels.
it's even difficult to face jc friends when they got better/lousier results.
so i've planned to run away after i got my results and know their results later. haha.
i dun want to face it. it's so difficult. the right words to say, the right face you give, the eyes.. haiyah i dunno la. body language and stuff.
it's so tiring.
i just hope that my results can lead me to the place i wanted la.
then i can cope with my emotions better.
it's so difficult to encourage the sad ones and so easy to share the joy of the happy ones.
haiyah plus some of my friends in jc quite competitive.
they can't afford to lose.
it makes me feel so sad for them.
in their whole life, they work hard to gain their parent's acknowledgment.
and in order to gain that, they strive to climb up the stairs, did things to step people down and bring themselves up further.
using relationships as a tool, criticising, comparing, lying, despising,....
makes human nature seems so ugly.
i dare not say i never did any of them. but i tried not to.
though i sort of 'used' those brainies to teach me lots things in school, i tried to reciprocate by entertaining them.
since they are nerds and lead a boring life. haha.
i don't want people to see me as someone who makes friends that i can use. but someone who's sincere in making friends.
being in jc, i understand how insecure people can be.
in secondary school, the most everyone just want to be competitive. and other times everyone are still good friends.
in jc, everyone like plotting and scheming. okay not everyone, im sure xiujin's not that sort. haha.
like doing things to make themselves feels better, doing things to keep their own friend, doing things to make them more attractive, and doing things to attract lots and lots of attention.
it feels sad and people really need God.
to be secured.
haha im like side track already. what was i saying....
OH YAH. results. haiyah. i just hope that things will be fine and i can control my emotions well.
i just hope i won't reject people's kindness or what.
especially my friend's!
kebab. hahha.
very funny name.
okay too random liao.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7




i can just hope and pray that you'll be fine..