Give her some courage to make the right turn

She was happily strolling along this little path, smelling the blooming flowers, enjoying the breeze, staring at the blue sky that stretches to a place she has never been to.
She was skipping, singing some lullaby that recurs in her mind whenever she feels happy.
Nobody was talking, only the croaking sound her shoes made when the stones roll with every skip and kick.
Then she met a fork in the road.
She stopped and scratched her head.

Left? Or right?

This isn't the first time, she knows.
No right, no wrong.
She thought.
And she went the wrong way.
All the way till the end.

No, that was the last time.
She went all the way till the end.
She can't remember how, but she fell into a well.
And lived there for 3 months.
She shouted, wasn't sure what happened.
She waited for somebody to save her.
Somebody came, but didn't know what to do.

Left? Or right?

She was so hungry, and had to eat the poor moss on the stone wall.
She dug everyday till her nails broke.
She bled.
She drank her blood and stale water.
Then she wasn't sure why she is trying to hard to live.
"Did someone push me?" She thought.
She believed so.
"Since someone wanted me to die, I must be worthless." She thought.

Left? Or right?

She took a deep breath and lay down.
She would rather stretch out her arms and legs, feeling the back of her shirt becoming damp.
"Do I have to continue?" She asked herself.

Thoughts on my diet

There was this period of time, when sleeping at 11pm, and waking up at 7am seems like an easy task, I went crazy over clean eating, and I would prepare my own breakfast and lunch. Some people would say my lunch seems very little, some asked why do I want to torture myself, but honestly, I enjoy eating the food I prepared. Anyway I had brown rice, so I don't need to eat too much to feel full and remain full.

Then many people told me that I am being too strict on myself, and I also thought that preparing my own food is kinda time consuming..... So I started to read a lot online on different sorts of diet, there is Vegan, Paleo, Raw Vegan, vegetarian etc and each have their own set of theories on how should you eat to be healthy. However, I believe that everyone has their own "kind of body", and one type of diet may not suit everyone. So I have decided to try one of each for a month to test it for myself, to see which is the best for me.

I tried being a vegetarian for the first month, it was quite sad because there wasn't much choices and I got sick of eating the vegetarian stall in my school canteen. I thought I can eat bibimbap, but I had to remove my favorite anchovies (oh my kang hee gia!), and it's mentally torturing.

So I can't wait to switch to Paleo for the second month, for obvious reasons, because I get to eat MEAT! The main thing of this diet is to eat meat, veggies and fruits, sweet potatoes are fine but not rice or noodles. I had a hard time parting with my favorite ramen....

And lastly back to my clean eating diet. I didn't think I can go vegan for a month, because I love to drink milk, eat eggs and cheese. So I guess this try out ends at the third month, and the verdict is, I'm the happiest when I'm in my clean eating diet, and I am losing weight even without exercising as much because of exams. I usually gain weight during exams because my body just loves to store fats, if not build muscles, I usually don't lose fats unless I exercise a lot. And eating clean means I can still eat meat and things I love! But in moderation.

However, in January, I got myself a cute little holland lop (now not little anymore!) I haven't post any of our photos yet, but soon! And I started to rethink about my diet. I joined this Singaporean rabbit forum and someone posted this link, about this Danish guy killing a rabbit on a radio show, then he took it home, skinned it and cooked to eat. Of course this would cause an uproar, and people have started this petition to fire this Danish guy.

Having exposed to the media industry, I always urged people to not only read the headlines, but whole article, not trust 100% of the article but always check their sources. This Danish guy is not sick or crazy. He wanted to send a message across and it hit me really hard.

I love my rabbit, her name is Dou Dou, and because of her I love all rabbits. I love the cats sleeping at my void deck and I greet them all the time. However I am a beef lover also. This Danish guy is trying to point out this hypocritical part in people like me. I can understand if you are a person who hates animals, can't wait to kill all of them and hence you eat them happily. But I am a person who loves animals. What makes pigs, chickens and cows less valuable? Because they are not fluffy and cute? Because I don't see them walking around at my void deck?

My husband once told me he met this European girl who lives in Singapore and is a raw vegan. I can't believe how she lived in Singapore being a raw vegan. There are so many good dishes, chicken rice, pork chop, beef noodle etc., and according to my husband, she managed to survive. She didn't become a raw vegan because of her religion, but because of her love for animals. She once lived in a farm and was playing with a cow, and to her disgust saw a plate of steak for lunch that day. It changed her life. I'm sure if someone brought me to a restaurant selling stir fry rabbit meat, I would have vomited on the spot.

I'm now seriously considering to become a vegetarian, slowly changing my diet day by day. Next Monday will be my trip to Taiwan with my family for 8days, and this will be the real challenge. Food is really important to me, and I'm not sure how all these thoughts will translate into action, but I will keep updating.

to N

I am unhappy with you.

Better go do some reflection.

Just some thoughts about FYP and schoolwork.

Recently I am starting on my FYP and I have been feeling quite sian about it.
I planned my timeline and things to do everyday, and I've gotten quite a good supervisor (heard from my friends), it is one of the topics I am interested in (on diaspora literature), yet I don't have any motivation to do it.

Some times when facing exams or assignments, I often find myself dreading these things, and it's easy to find schoolmates facing the same situation as you.

I'm not sure what went wrong, maybe it's due to my upbringing or our education system, I guess we became very focused on doing the task itself, trying to impress the teacher/lecturer, rather than getting interested on the knowledge we are gaining by doing each assignment or preparing for each exam paper.

When we were young, we kept asking our parents or older siblings many questions, our whys get ignored or scolded or swept away, but when we really had a good place to ask why we don't really raise our hands to do it. (I can write another post on this another time)

Or maybe it's because the adults kept asking the young us to stop asking why, and we grew up killing the natural curiosity that was in us.

I guess this is the main problem why I struggled so much in doing FYP.

If only I was more interested in the author, asking,
what had she been through?
why inspired her to write this story?
what is she trying to say?
what others think?
what do I think?

Perhaps, if I am curious enough, while searching the answers to these questions, a good FYP paper can be written. I still have a few more days to the next meeting with my prof, it's not too late to start searching for answers to my questions.

“沒有道理夢想要在一開始就統統都搞定。你要給自己人生保留不同的樂趣，在不同的階段搞定，那個時候你就會感覺到自己存在的樂趣。所以，年輕人就搞定現在的事情。如果有夢想尚未完成，不要著急，可以等到對的年紀，你終究會讓它發生，可是你要不斷地靠近它，這點很重要。你不用急著完成你的夢想，可是你要不斷地靠近夢想。我從美國學完電影回到台灣時，我一直靠近的夢想是講故事。我很愛講故事，不管是透過演講、寫作、拍電影、做節目都沒關係。透過講故事帶給別人快樂跟力量，是我一直想做的事情，我從來沒有離開過這件事。”——蔡康永

有时我们太急着成长，忘记了，其实人生经验无论是惨痛或快乐，都能作为保护自己的屏障，以及成长的肥料。梦想要是太早实现，人生就变得毫无意思。追求梦想可以是一辈子的，可以是完成不了的事。但要是够坚持，相信就算从世界上消失了，也会有人替我完成梦想。梦想，是能够延续的，是有灵魂的，是能够延伸的。

只要不断靠近。

领悟

“如果有一天……我死了——不，你不要打断我，我的意思是我死了，在我闭上眼睛永远醒不过来的那一刻，你会认为我是个什么样的人？” 

……   

 “我会恨你。”我一字一句地说。 

 “死是一种厌烦的表示，是厌烦透顶后的一个合理发展的答案，我想过很长时间，也许已想了一辈子，想透了就觉得我并不羞于一死。——像我这样的人不可能继续无限期地亵读自己，湮灭灵魂。”他把手指顶在左胸，如果不是手指，而是一把匕首顶在胸口，他可能会更从容一点。 

 “我能预见我的生活阴暗内层的某种冲动，精神医生总是说冲动是危险的，他们不提倡，可它还是会不期而至的。”他的声音清晰冷淡，他的唇苍白而无情，他绝对不是在跟我讨论一个别人的话题，他说的是他自己。 

 “我的意志越软弱，我的眼睛越明亮，因为我看到了太阳肚子里的大黑洞，看到了宇宙的大行星在空中排列成了十字。”他说。

——《上海宝贝》

当一个人对生活厌烦的时候，或许就是因为他看到虚伪的太阳背后隐藏着多少黑暗。

无可否认，我深受CoCo吸引。 她的举手投足，她的想法意念，价值观，如此的美丽，如此吸引着我。 

有人说CoCo自私，糜烂，天天堕落无能。 我却为了他们的人生欢呼。 至少，他们只是被死亡隔开，至少，他们没有遗憾。

有些东西，像二手烟，一开始闻起来让你呼吸困难，头痛，作恶，却在你习惯这难闻的气味时，却因为它让你想起了某一个人，或某一件事而变得不可或缺。 就算每次闻起二手烟，你的身体仍然排斥着，你咳嗽，流鼻涕，揉着眼，无论如何排斥，二手烟已进入身体里，交织，密不可分。

无论那些道德正派的说教人士如何批评，在我心目中，CoCo是个美丽无比的女人。

Long Time No See (Xiaoling)

It's been about 8 months since I blogged.

I guess nobody blogs now, neither do people read blogs of their friends anymore.

Everyone knows I love writing, I started this blog since my JC times, when blogging was still a hot trend. I know I wrote terribly, with my illogical thought process and wrong grammar everywhere, but I just like to write. (even prefer to pen things down)

Few weeks ago, I read some of my childish post in the past, pictures and people's comments, I realised I am quite a different person from then.

I felt like I was really open about my thoughts and my life, until I experienced a few unhappy incidents, then I started to be afraid of how would people judge what I was thinking. Will people ask me if I was okay or asked what happened if I posted something really emo?

At that point of time, I thought being emo was such a bad, bad thing.

It's like a sign of vulnerability? Like losing control over your own emotions?

I would never cry, be sad, or sulk in front of people I'm not close with.

Anyway, someone who knew what happened to me gave me an advice to not revealing too much of yourself on social media, which I know was probably a good suggestion, as people involved could be reading my blog.

So I did, I wrote lesser and lesser, sometimes it was just a picture, with simple captions, other times it was just quotes or a few sentences.

All these really reflected my change in personality.

As I read blogs that are still famous now, or just became famous, I was quite curious whether they are still the same from the first post.

Most of them have thrown away that true "first post", only a few kept it and just like me, those posts of the pasts seemed really immature and self-centered, like it's about ME and MY life.

Then life got serious and complicated, our thoughts got challenged day by day, and the depth of the post went deeper, where people started talking about moral and values, their personal life-changing experiences, or just their ootds. 

People talk about serious matter as it is not as personal, or talk about life-changing experiences because it didn't affect them as much anymore, it is more about sharing and helping anyone who popped by.

Just a thought that, I used to be a person so proud of being open and straightforward, now that I don't think I am anymore, I guess I probably don't like myself as much as in the past?
Nowadays, I kept most of my personal matter private,  I choose the kind of thing I talk about to different people, or not at all. 

All of a sudden, I became rather scared to pen things down, I felt like it's like a mirror, telling me who I really am, and I guess I am afraid to see what's on the "mirror".

What if I hate how I look?

I put down my pen, and took up a pencil instead.

I started to draw.

I tried hand lettering, watercolouring, 3D perspectives, nail art, sewing... I'm still kinda bad at it, but it's quite therapeutic doing all these.

I feel that art is helps to conceal yourself.

You can be abstract, people won't know what you're thinking.

You can be realistic, people still won't know what you're thinking, depending on what you choose to draw. 

Okay, this post is getting longer than expected, I do see myself posting more often from now on, probably more on my masterpieces? haha. (omg my first "haha" after so long)

I guess I should continue writing here, I realise this blog serves more like a diary than the Nth book I tried writing on and naming it "My Diary".

Just some stats: this is my 843th post, I started since 2006 and this blog is 9 years old! If you have followed this blog from 2006, thank you for your 9 years being my good old friend. You've probably seen the best and worst of me :) 

It's a world many have never been to.
Nobody likes here.
No one comes willingly.
There's no joy, no laughter, no fun.
Just long nights.
Long... dark and quiet nights.
People may ask, why don't you get up and leave, why don't you bring in some happiness.
Yeah, we'll love to, but we can't.
Its not that we're not allowed to, but we just can't.
If we can, we wouldn't be here.

The nights are so long that nightmares are common.
They say we have two sides of us, the conscious and the subconscious.
And they take turns to wake up.
Whenever the subconscious wakes up, it's the start of the nightmare.
We fear, as they show us what we're fear of.
The deepest kind.
The darkest kind.

Sometimes it feels so quiet that you can hear tiny little movements.
You thought no one else is around.
People may think we made the choice to be cold, hostile or anti-social. But no, that's because they do not believe what we say.
I said it's not the usual kind of feeling.
It's not gonna go so fast.

We fear the smallest thing, worry over the smallest problem, cry for the lamest story, but those are called symptoms, not attention seeking.

And if you manage to find a neighbour, both of you can try to have an escape plan.
Increases the possibility of leaving.
Lots of successful cases.
Of course, some became neighbours forever.

"戀愛的人總以為自己看到未來，那只是他幻想、憧憬和盼望的未來。當下的愛從來就無法滿足我們，卻也正是當下的幻想、憧憬和盼望使得眼前的愛情溫暖甜蜜。即使毫無希望的愛情，也是偷偷抱著希望的。我們用心守護著當下的這份愛，只害怕它終會敗給現實，而非如我所願。但是無論如何，我幻想過我們的未來。"
--張小嫻

洞悉透徹。

那是你遇见，看见，听见多个她而组合起来的我。
那不是我。
不是我。
是我。
我。

世上有好多寂寞的人, 迷惘的人，失落的人，忧郁的人.....
还有想要逞英雄的人。

"你若安好，便是晴天。"
~张爱玲

突然想起她的名言。
曾经让我深深佩服的八个字。

还有藏着多么渺小的愿望啊。

And won't find me weird if I start talking to her.

還我自由

I wish she's smiling in the skies

It makes me wonder, especially at this point of my life, why weddings are considered special.

I always thought it's like birthdays.
It's something in life to be happy about, if we celebrate a person's existence, we should also celebrate two person's union.

And all along I've dreamed of having people who are sincerely interested in my life to be part of the celebration. They are the ones who knows me, who saw how much I've been through to make this big decision, who will tear because they are truly happy for me, and worry because they know what I'll be facing ahead.

My perfect wedding is held in a garden, with trees and twigs, birds and flowers, sunshine and the sky. And most importantly, the hearty laughter. That is why weddings are special isn't it?
 To receive blessings, words of advice and encouragement, and assurance that the wedded will never walk this path alone.

"I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world. And fool enough to think that's what I'll find."
~I Know I Need to be in Love-Carpenters

But truth is, we can never draw a straight line, or a perfect circle in this crazy world.
There are people who came into your life and left, there are people who came to stay, there are people who are forced to come into your life and there are people who are never in your life.
Things got worse, when you've decided that life is not just about yourself.

So you took out a pen and wrote the name of anyone who is connected to you someway or another, and be prepared to see the loud colours of the different fabric, the layers of powder and lipstick, and the different sorts of conversation exchanged, but not so much of the greenery and chirping of the little animals I have always dreamed of.

And that's not the most saddening thing.

There's a special person, who has every reason to be there, whom I've promised to save the best seats for, could not be there.

"What is important cannot be seen... If you love a flower that lives on a star, it is sweet to look up at the night sky. All the stars are in bloom." ~The Little Prince

It was then I wish something or somebody can give me some hope. To talk to her like a friend, to laugh like a mad girl, to cry like a baby, to lean on like a weary old dog.

But I was never seen and never heard. Or maybe I thought so.

And the most saddening thing that have happened, is that a significant person, who understands the importance of a wedding used it as a weapon, to grow fear in people, to take away smiles on faces, to hurt and to disappoint.

The wedding, in my eyes, has lost its meaning.

四分之一个世纪

25岁。四分之一个世纪。

有人说，25岁，
是素颜的消失，是化妆品的出现，
是白球鞋的过去，是高跟鞋未来，
是青春的结尾，是年华老去的开始，
是任性的葬礼，是沉着的诞生……

或许我们对年龄也挂上了标签。

我的童年并不枯燥，但一直到现在对于青春仍有各种憧憬。
我认为青春就是有一种不怕丢人，不怕后果的一种傻劲，
我也天真的以为，只要不怕丢人，就可以一辈子都做些又好玩又丢人的事，
不被世界认为25岁应该怎样所拘束。

但”幼稚“已成为一个负面的形容词。

现实，依赖着各种微不足道的力量正在逼着我们成长成别人要我们成为的样子。
逆道而行，是需要勇气的，是需要忍受别人白眼的。
最后，为着你所爱的那些人，你必须忍气吞声，放下你心目中理想的生活，放下你喜欢的事物，去成为他们想要你成为的样子。
他们从不去问你喜欢什么，只会说你应该怎样。
他们从不问你为什么要这么做，只会责怪你为什么要那么”幼稚“。
我们变得非常害怕别人觉得我们很丢人。

25岁的我渐渐发现，一直把持着，不想失去的童真，却硬生生地离我越来越远。
世界太复杂，要是太单纯，就注定要吃亏。
其实我不介意吃亏，因为三思而行，对我来说是个沉重的负担，也会让我开始厌倦人生。
但几次的吃大亏，让我胆怯，也让我开始厌倦了这个人生。
有些人会认为，才25岁，正是花样年华之际，未来会有更多会让你厌倦人生的理由，现在何须感慨。
是失望吧，我觉得。
要是曾努力过要逆流而上的人，一定会跟我一起坐在街边叹气摇头。
说到最后，这仍是一场孤独的旅行。

Christ's redemption

“Be of sin the double cure,

          Save from wrath and make me pure.”

打开书。穿越。

人说，若想要到新加坡游玩，不需要花太多时间。三天，最多四天就够了。
我们的城市是多么的渺小，生活在这个城市接近四分之一的世纪，我知道我可以在世界的尽头来回游走。
这不需要超过一天的时间。

或许我们会想要出国走走，一个星期、一个月。
甚至出国进修，一年、三年、五年。
但总有一天，我们需要回家，我们要认清家在何处。

或许我们会说，这里很枯燥，这里很无趣，这里很单一。
但我有一个好方案。
其实很简单，穿越吧。
穿越到不同的世界，住在不同人类的心里，过着不可能过着的生活，其实你我做得到。
只要看书，就能穿越。

I'm going to find a happy place

合久必分，分久必合。

历史是如此，人生亦是如此。