最近，心里闷得发慌，又遇到了瓶颈。

从表面而言，我是应该幸福的。
但我一点也不快乐，我已经变成一个需要故意让自己快乐的人。
没关系，为了快乐，辛苦一点，why not。

最近，发现自己又落了单，成为了一个满腹黑暗的玻璃瓶。
多一件事就会忍无可忍，多一个打击就会无法承受，有时对世界真的再也没有信心。
恩情，是唯一让我不了了一切的动力。

要是连着一层关系都没有了，或许我就会掉进深渊也说不定。
真的，其实谁都不知道，藏在心中的恶魔有多么恐怖，多么有力量。

我四处寻找，找不到一个完美的对象。
决定要自己解决，却又发现自己软弱得不行。
我只会逃避。
只能逃避。

我都拍掉了，那些温柔的手，因为温柔的背后隐藏着什么其他，我不知道。
以前，我可以告诉我自己，没什么其他，但是渐渐地我发觉，我无法忽视自己内心的怀疑。
因为好多时候，在我毫不保留的时候，在最脆弱的时候，就看清那些温柔的手，都隐藏太多东西。
有时都被吓到了。
有时觉得自己好愚蠢。
有时觉得这一生自己亏了、完蛋了。

目前，我正在努力让自己快乐当中，过去就当自己傻。
现在我需要更加精明，对自己更加坦诚。

对未来更快乐的自己，干杯。

最近感想又多了起来，日子一天一天过，天天都有新事物。

最近又在思考很多不同方面的事，今天主要思考“正义的愤怒”这回事。

最近我发怒的原因几乎都是所谓“正义的愤怒”，都是因为替别人打抱不平，而很想发飙。

有人以言语进行灞陵事件，虽然当事人已经不在意，但看在眼中，真的很令人感到非常不爽。话语，是非常有力量的。这是谁都知道的事实。聪明如她，怎么会用这种方式来欺压朋友呢？而且还尝试拖我下水。

另外，最近在工作时，同样地也是“正义的愤怒”。曾经，有人在她最需要帮助的时候，愿意牺牲睡眠天天在清晨给予帮助，却在更深入认识他的时候，因为讨厌他的夸大其词，而不予理会。我不禁思考，同样也是伸出援手的我，是否有一天在触动她底线的时候，也会这样被讨厌，不被给予原谅的机会呢？同样的，自认为很有义气的自己，却不被她认同，是否也说明了她的人格？我不知道，我不敢去想，却小心翼翼地偷偷在意着。

我很羡慕，有个同学，她不管三七二十一，直抒胸臆，喜欢便喜欢，讨厌便讨厌，他虽然有可怜的地方，但我却非常羡慕她的懵懂。

还给我天真。

在凤凰花开的路口，告别了一片湿漉漉的草原。
乘着风，牵着风筝跌跌撞撞的我，被线划破了掌心。
风筝其实不属于天空也不属于我，它属于那刮起的风。
风已不再吹，红色的线，轻轻地落在草地上。
期待已久的蝴蝶在天空里自由飞翔，
落在肩上，
瞬间，
闻到一抹天堂鸟的芬芳。

我这一生最讨厌身边的人质疑我的人格。
我这个人没有心机，做事情坦荡荡，有话直说，不会拐弯抹角。
却总是被人怀疑我的心机。
我很气。
真的很气。
那么容易理解的个性，为什么还会有人接二连三地怀疑我。

首先，我不是一个傻子，有重大事件我不会置之不理，我会解决，但不一定是现在。
所以，A，你不需要替我操心，把我所托付的重大秘密告诉不相关的人。
我才怀疑你是否真的是替我操心，还是封不住嘴。
事情过了那么久，我放不下，也不会放下。
请恕我记仇。

另外，B，我带你去教会不是为了充人数。第一，是你自己好奇，我把自己所知道的告诉你而已。第二，我只是尽我当时的责任，身为朋友，我觉得这是为你好。第三，我并没有逼你，也没有用我们的友谊来威胁你，要你一定要加入教会。你却在加入教会后，逼问我是不是为了充人数才来你进来。我呸。我尽心帮助你，还被你怀疑我的用意，忘恩负义，你给我滚。那天我失控地在地铁站不停地流着眼泪，我知道从此我们不再是朋友。

C，你是这个世界上最可恶的人。我没有认识像你这样糟蹋我人生的人。为了自己的面子，你威胁我，为了钱，你怀疑我。你那些不义之财，我要来干嘛。我老老实实工作，我努力念书，还贪什么钱。妈的。逼人太甚。不要用自己的个性套在我身上，你不配。

这或许是我最诚实，最狗屁不通的文，请大家见谅。读了不要来问我，ABC是谁。是我的朋友就绝对知道，甚至可以对号入座。请自动反省一下

to sleep or not to sleep

Today is one of the days I struggled with sleep.
I never had problems with sleep since young, I have always been a sleepy baby, I used to be able to sleep everywhere.
Last year came and it became a big problem for me.
I was afraid of it, of the endless darkness, the heavy eyelids and flickering images in my mind.
I was afraid of daylight, of the endless chores and responsibilities, the presence and smiles people are waiting for (to make them less worried).
Now sleep is tearing me apart.
I need to rest, yet I need to do work.
Even if i rested a lot, it never seemed to be enough, work is never done, and important people are waiting for me to complete things.
Future seems bleak for me, I kept thinking I cannot finish my fyp, kept thinking I don't even dare to send in any resume because I have no confidence in appearing for work on time, nor seek understanding for my frequent hospital visits, or handle any judging eyes, sympathetic words, and frustrated sighs.

Sleeping used to give me lots of energy, feelings of bliss and pure happiness.
But now I feel so guilty whenever I gave in to sleep, work not done, work not done, work not done.
Critical voices kept repeating and repeating, I have nowhere to hide.

I'm so sorry, I can't continue this post anymore..

SECRET

Seriously I'm sick of knowing people who doesn't know the meaning of SECRET.
When we say "It's a secret", it's very simple, it means DO NOT TELL ANYONE.
and if you really had to, for any good reasons or intentions, do seek permission.
Stop betraying people's trust because you cannot keep your mouth shut.
When things spreads like wildfire, (you can never know who told who because nobody cares), don't just keep quiet.
APOLOGISE.
I don't understand why this is so difficult.
And this is why I hate telling girls secrets.
At least guys know the meaning of brotherhood, and they keep it.
Sisterhood doesn't exist.

有時候，我不知道讓步的極限在哪裡。

對於我身邊的所有人，我都儘量讓步，他們喜歡什麼，不喜歡什麼，優點缺點，我只要記得或者是能夠觀察到，我都儘量讓步。

這並不代表我會把自己的喜好隱藏起來，但因為自己是個很隨性的人，對很多事情都很無所謂，所以讓步變成是一個非常理所當讓的事。

我知道A喜歡去逛街，要逛街就會叫上她。

我知道B說話很直接，聽她說話就會較為寬容，偶爾會提醒她該怎麼回應其他人。

我也知道C的脾氣不好，所以發脾氣的時候就不要跟她計較。

這麼說聽起來我好像聖人一樣，但其實在我心底，我是多麼渴望我身邊的人也能同樣地這麼待我。

我是一個有脾氣、有缺點、有壞習慣的人。

我只是想要被身邊的人理解，並且在我極度祈求的時候作出適當的讓步，但真實情況一向來並不會按照我想要的方向進行。

很多時候，其他人都會習慣我的讓步，甚至到一種麻木的境界。

我很無奈地對D說了很多次，卻必須要等到爆炸性事件發生的時候，才發現自己佔了我多少便宜。

E曾經說我很傻，幹嘛總是給人佔便宜，我卻一笑置之。

因為我一向認為，交朋友，並不是交易，不是誰佔誰便宜，誰吃虧更多，而是誰願意。

對於ABCDE，我都很願意。

但失望的事件不是沒有，最近因為F而感到非常失望。

原本想在這裡大發洩特發洩，卻因為事件太容易讓人察覺F是誰，而不想論及。

只是想把這些都寫下來，好讓未來的我，或正在看這篇文章的你，好好地想想自己是否對身邊的人予取予求，隨心所欲，不計後果。

到頭來發現失去的不僅僅是一段友誼或親密的人，而是對另一個人留下的傷害，這會變成一個非常沈重的包袱。

在這裏要特別感謝我的嬤嬤還有我媽，只有這兩個人會對我所有無理的要求作出讓步，也就是他們這樣的精神，讓我獲得許多非常珍貴的朋友。

Give her some courage to make the right turn

She was happily strolling along this little path, smelling the blooming flowers, enjoying the breeze, staring at the blue sky that stretches to a place she has never been to.
She was skipping, singing some lullaby that recurs in her mind whenever she feels happy.
Nobody was talking, only the croaking sound her shoes made when the stones roll with every skip and kick.
Then she met a fork in the road.
She stopped and scratched her head.

Left? Or right?

This isn't the first time, she knows.
No right, no wrong.
She thought.
And she went the wrong way.
All the way till the end.

No, that was the last time.
She went all the way till the end.
She can't remember how, but she fell into a well.
And lived there for 3 months.
She shouted, wasn't sure what happened.
She waited for somebody to save her.
Somebody came, but didn't know what to do.

Left? Or right?

She was so hungry, and had to eat the poor moss on the stone wall.
She dug everyday till her nails broke.
She bled.
She drank her blood and stale water.
Then she wasn't sure why she is trying to hard to live.
"Did someone push me?" She thought.
She believed so.
"Since someone wanted me to die, I must be worthless." She thought.

Left? Or right?

She took a deep breath and lay down.
She would rather stretch out her arms and legs, feeling the back of her shirt becoming damp.
"Do I have to continue?" She asked herself.

Thoughts on my diet

There was this period of time, when sleeping at 11pm, and waking up at 7am seems like an easy task, I went crazy over clean eating, and I would prepare my own breakfast and lunch. Some people would say my lunch seems very little, some asked why do I want to torture myself, but honestly, I enjoy eating the food I prepared. Anyway I had brown rice, so I don't need to eat too much to feel full and remain full.

Then many people told me that I am being too strict on myself, and I also thought that preparing my own food is kinda time consuming..... So I started to read a lot online on different sorts of diet, there is Vegan, Paleo, Raw Vegan, vegetarian etc and each have their own set of theories on how should you eat to be healthy. However, I believe that everyone has their own "kind of body", and one type of diet may not suit everyone. So I have decided to try one of each for a month to test it for myself, to see which is the best for me.

I tried being a vegetarian for the first month, it was quite sad because there wasn't much choices and I got sick of eating the vegetarian stall in my school canteen. I thought I can eat bibimbap, but I had to remove my favorite anchovies (oh my kang hee gia!), and it's mentally torturing.

So I can't wait to switch to Paleo for the second month, for obvious reasons, because I get to eat MEAT! The main thing of this diet is to eat meat, veggies and fruits, sweet potatoes are fine but not rice or noodles. I had a hard time parting with my favorite ramen....

And lastly back to my clean eating diet. I didn't think I can go vegan for a month, because I love to drink milk, eat eggs and cheese. So I guess this try out ends at the third month, and the verdict is, I'm the happiest when I'm in my clean eating diet, and I am losing weight even without exercising as much because of exams. I usually gain weight during exams because my body just loves to store fats, if not build muscles, I usually don't lose fats unless I exercise a lot. And eating clean means I can still eat meat and things I love! But in moderation.

However, in January, I got myself a cute little holland lop (now not little anymore!) I haven't post any of our photos yet, but soon! And I started to rethink about my diet. I joined this Singaporean rabbit forum and someone posted this link, about this Danish guy killing a rabbit on a radio show, then he took it home, skinned it and cooked to eat. Of course this would cause an uproar, and people have started this petition to fire this Danish guy.

Having exposed to the media industry, I always urged people to not only read the headlines, but whole article, not trust 100% of the article but always check their sources. This Danish guy is not sick or crazy. He wanted to send a message across and it hit me really hard.

I love my rabbit, her name is Dou Dou, and because of her I love all rabbits. I love the cats sleeping at my void deck and I greet them all the time. However I am a beef lover also. This Danish guy is trying to point out this hypocritical part in people like me. I can understand if you are a person who hates animals, can't wait to kill all of them and hence you eat them happily. But I am a person who loves animals. What makes pigs, chickens and cows less valuable? Because they are not fluffy and cute? Because I don't see them walking around at my void deck?

My husband once told me he met this European girl who lives in Singapore and is a raw vegan. I can't believe how she lived in Singapore being a raw vegan. There are so many good dishes, chicken rice, pork chop, beef noodle etc., and according to my husband, she managed to survive. She didn't become a raw vegan because of her religion, but because of her love for animals. She once lived in a farm and was playing with a cow, and to her disgust saw a plate of steak for lunch that day. It changed her life. I'm sure if someone brought me to a restaurant selling stir fry rabbit meat, I would have vomited on the spot.

I'm now seriously considering to become a vegetarian, slowly changing my diet day by day. Next Monday will be my trip to Taiwan with my family for 8days, and this will be the real challenge. Food is really important to me, and I'm not sure how all these thoughts will translate into action, but I will keep updating.

to N

I am unhappy with you.

Better go do some reflection.

Just some thoughts about FYP and schoolwork.

Recently I am starting on my FYP and I have been feeling quite sian about it.
I planned my timeline and things to do everyday, and I've gotten quite a good supervisor (heard from my friends), it is one of the topics I am interested in (on diaspora literature), yet I don't have any motivation to do it.

Some times when facing exams or assignments, I often find myself dreading these things, and it's easy to find schoolmates facing the same situation as you.

I'm not sure what went wrong, maybe it's due to my upbringing or our education system, I guess we became very focused on doing the task itself, trying to impress the teacher/lecturer, rather than getting interested on the knowledge we are gaining by doing each assignment or preparing for each exam paper.

When we were young, we kept asking our parents or older siblings many questions, our whys get ignored or scolded or swept away, but when we really had a good place to ask why we don't really raise our hands to do it. (I can write another post on this another time)

Or maybe it's because the adults kept asking the young us to stop asking why, and we grew up killing the natural curiosity that was in us.

I guess this is the main problem why I struggled so much in doing FYP.

If only I was more interested in the author, asking,
what had she been through?
why inspired her to write this story?
what is she trying to say?
what others think?
what do I think?

Perhaps, if I am curious enough, while searching the answers to these questions, a good FYP paper can be written. I still have a few more days to the next meeting with my prof, it's not too late to start searching for answers to my questions.

“沒有道理夢想要在一開始就統統都搞定。你要給自己人生保留不同的樂趣，在不同的階段搞定，那個時候你就會感覺到自己存在的樂趣。所以，年輕人就搞定現在的事情。如果有夢想尚未完成，不要著急，可以等到對的年紀，你終究會讓它發生，可是你要不斷地靠近它，這點很重要。你不用急著完成你的夢想，可是你要不斷地靠近夢想。我從美國學完電影回到台灣時，我一直靠近的夢想是講故事。我很愛講故事，不管是透過演講、寫作、拍電影、做節目都沒關係。透過講故事帶給別人快樂跟力量，是我一直想做的事情，我從來沒有離開過這件事。”——蔡康永

有时我们太急着成长，忘记了，其实人生经验无论是惨痛或快乐，都能作为保护自己的屏障，以及成长的肥料。梦想要是太早实现，人生就变得毫无意思。追求梦想可以是一辈子的，可以是完成不了的事。但要是够坚持，相信就算从世界上消失了，也会有人替我完成梦想。梦想，是能够延续的，是有灵魂的，是能够延伸的。

只要不断靠近。

领悟

“如果有一天……我死了——不，你不要打断我，我的意思是我死了，在我闭上眼睛永远醒不过来的那一刻，你会认为我是个什么样的人？” 

……   

 “我会恨你。”我一字一句地说。 

 “死是一种厌烦的表示，是厌烦透顶后的一个合理发展的答案，我想过很长时间，也许已想了一辈子，想透了就觉得我并不羞于一死。——像我这样的人不可能继续无限期地亵读自己，湮灭灵魂。”他把手指顶在左胸，如果不是手指，而是一把匕首顶在胸口，他可能会更从容一点。 

 “我能预见我的生活阴暗内层的某种冲动，精神医生总是说冲动是危险的，他们不提倡，可它还是会不期而至的。”他的声音清晰冷淡，他的唇苍白而无情，他绝对不是在跟我讨论一个别人的话题，他说的是他自己。 

 “我的意志越软弱，我的眼睛越明亮，因为我看到了太阳肚子里的大黑洞，看到了宇宙的大行星在空中排列成了十字。”他说。

——《上海宝贝》

当一个人对生活厌烦的时候，或许就是因为他看到虚伪的太阳背后隐藏着多少黑暗。

无可否认，我深受CoCo吸引。 她的举手投足，她的想法意念，价值观，如此的美丽，如此吸引着我。 

有人说CoCo自私，糜烂，天天堕落无能。 我却为了他们的人生欢呼。 至少，他们只是被死亡隔开，至少，他们没有遗憾。

有些东西，像二手烟，一开始闻起来让你呼吸困难，头痛，作恶，却在你习惯这难闻的气味时，却因为它让你想起了某一个人，或某一件事而变得不可或缺。 就算每次闻起二手烟，你的身体仍然排斥着，你咳嗽，流鼻涕，揉着眼，无论如何排斥，二手烟已进入身体里，交织，密不可分。

无论那些道德正派的说教人士如何批评，在我心目中，CoCo是个美丽无比的女人。

Long Time No See (Xiaoling)

It's been about 8 months since I blogged.

I guess nobody blogs now, neither do people read blogs of their friends anymore.

Everyone knows I love writing, I started this blog since my JC times, when blogging was still a hot trend. I know I wrote terribly, with my illogical thought process and wrong grammar everywhere, but I just like to write. (even prefer to pen things down)

Few weeks ago, I read some of my childish post in the past, pictures and people's comments, I realised I am quite a different person from then.

I felt like I was really open about my thoughts and my life, until I experienced a few unhappy incidents, then I started to be afraid of how would people judge what I was thinking. Will people ask me if I was okay or asked what happened if I posted something really emo?

At that point of time, I thought being emo was such a bad, bad thing.

It's like a sign of vulnerability? Like losing control over your own emotions?

I would never cry, be sad, or sulk in front of people I'm not close with.

Anyway, someone who knew what happened to me gave me an advice to not revealing too much of yourself on social media, which I know was probably a good suggestion, as people involved could be reading my blog.

So I did, I wrote lesser and lesser, sometimes it was just a picture, with simple captions, other times it was just quotes or a few sentences.

All these really reflected my change in personality.

As I read blogs that are still famous now, or just became famous, I was quite curious whether they are still the same from the first post.

Most of them have thrown away that true "first post", only a few kept it and just like me, those posts of the pasts seemed really immature and self-centered, like it's about ME and MY life.

Then life got serious and complicated, our thoughts got challenged day by day, and the depth of the post went deeper, where people started talking about moral and values, their personal life-changing experiences, or just their ootds. 

People talk about serious matter as it is not as personal, or talk about life-changing experiences because it didn't affect them as much anymore, it is more about sharing and helping anyone who popped by.

Just a thought that, I used to be a person so proud of being open and straightforward, now that I don't think I am anymore, I guess I probably don't like myself as much as in the past?
Nowadays, I kept most of my personal matter private,  I choose the kind of thing I talk about to different people, or not at all. 

All of a sudden, I became rather scared to pen things down, I felt like it's like a mirror, telling me who I really am, and I guess I am afraid to see what's on the "mirror".

What if I hate how I look?

I put down my pen, and took up a pencil instead.

I started to draw.

I tried hand lettering, watercolouring, 3D perspectives, nail art, sewing... I'm still kinda bad at it, but it's quite therapeutic doing all these.

I feel that art is helps to conceal yourself.

You can be abstract, people won't know what you're thinking.

You can be realistic, people still won't know what you're thinking, depending on what you choose to draw. 

Okay, this post is getting longer than expected, I do see myself posting more often from now on, probably more on my masterpieces? haha. (omg my first "haha" after so long)

I guess I should continue writing here, I realise this blog serves more like a diary than the Nth book I tried writing on and naming it "My Diary".

Just some stats: this is my 843th post, I started since 2006 and this blog is 9 years old! If you have followed this blog from 2006, thank you for your 9 years being my good old friend. You've probably seen the best and worst of me :) 

It's a world many have never been to.
Nobody likes here.
No one comes willingly.
There's no joy, no laughter, no fun.
Just long nights.
Long... dark and quiet nights.
People may ask, why don't you get up and leave, why don't you bring in some happiness.
Yeah, we'll love to, but we can't.
Its not that we're not allowed to, but we just can't.
If we can, we wouldn't be here.

The nights are so long that nightmares are common.
They say we have two sides of us, the conscious and the subconscious.
And they take turns to wake up.
Whenever the subconscious wakes up, it's the start of the nightmare.
We fear, as they show us what we're fear of.
The deepest kind.
The darkest kind.

Sometimes it feels so quiet that you can hear tiny little movements.
You thought no one else is around.
People may think we made the choice to be cold, hostile or anti-social. But no, that's because they do not believe what we say.
I said it's not the usual kind of feeling.
It's not gonna go so fast.

We fear the smallest thing, worry over the smallest problem, cry for the lamest story, but those are called symptoms, not attention seeking.

And if you manage to find a neighbour, both of you can try to have an escape plan.
Increases the possibility of leaving.
Lots of successful cases.
Of course, some became neighbours forever.

"戀愛的人總以為自己看到未來，那只是他幻想、憧憬和盼望的未來。當下的愛從來就無法滿足我們，卻也正是當下的幻想、憧憬和盼望使得眼前的愛情溫暖甜蜜。即使毫無希望的愛情，也是偷偷抱著希望的。我們用心守護著當下的這份愛，只害怕它終會敗給現實，而非如我所願。但是無論如何，我幻想過我們的未來。"
--張小嫻

洞悉透徹。

那是你遇见，看见，听见多个她而组合起来的我。
那不是我。
不是我。
是我。
我。

世上有好多寂寞的人, 迷惘的人，失落的人，忧郁的人.....
还有想要逞英雄的人。

"你若安好，便是晴天。"
~张爱玲

突然想起她的名言。
曾经让我深深佩服的八个字。

还有藏着多么渺小的愿望啊。

And won't find me weird if I start talking to her.